You Sir, Are Out of Character
by PureWaterLily
Summary: An OOC potion contaminates Konoha's water supply. Next thing Sakura knows, Naruto's a nihilistic philosopher puffing pot, Sasuke's the next Miss Daisy Sunshine, and... "Sakura-darling," Itachi scoffs, "it's not glitter, it's bli-ing."
1. The Cursed Water of BananaLala

You Sir, Are Out of Character

* * *

><p>If you haven't guessed by the summary, this isn't crack, it's pure crystal LSD.<p>

* * *

><p>Three months ago, Sakura had a choice. Either go to some rainy place for medical research and be stalked by a horny teenager claiming to be a vampire... or go to the Bayankala mountains.<p>

It turns out, someone else wanted the Bayankala, as Konohamaru shot his hand up, "Ooh, ooh, dibs on the banana-la-la!"

And so while Konohamaru and his friends had the pleasure of pretty foreign transsexuals and lovely hot springs, Sakura slaved away countless hours on some stupid lung disease that she swears doesn't exist.

Thankfully, she managed to BS some pseudo-science up, and now, luggage in tow, dashes back to her beloved village in much longing.

Only... it seems Konoha has undergone some renovations in her absence.

"... okay, when did everything become even more anachronistic?" she questions, raising an eyebrow at all the neon flashing sign _KONOHA_ that, for some reason, is now written in English.

But at least she sees some familiar faces, or else she would have just assumed she arrived at the _other _village named Konoha with a Mt. Rushmore ripoff, located in the middle of a giant dense forest in the middle of the country of Fire.

"Ah, I've been waiting for you, Sakura," Kakashi greets her with a wave.

"Hi-!"

"Let me help you with that." Kakashi interrupts, abruptly seizing hold of her luggage and striding quickly into town. "You've been gone a while, you should settle in, no? Come, we shouldn't waste time."

"Ah, okay," Sakura says, having to almost run to catch up with her sensei, who is cutting through the crowd in lightning speed-walk. Gasping, she questions, "What- what's the rush?"

"Why, I have been assigned to welcome you back, but I honestly have no-time for hellogoodbye." Upon arriving in front of her apartment, Kakashi throws all the baggage on the floor. "You see, I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date."

"When have you not been?" Sakura chuckles.

"Oh no, but I cannot be late for this date, because it is with the one and only... Maito Gai!" He throws his arms in the air, tear in his eye, and Sakura's jaw parts slightly ajar because she swears there is a sunset with crashing waves and petals of youth in the background.

"I'm late, I'm late, I'm late!" And with that, Kakashi has bounced off.

"O-_kay_..." Sakura says, scratching her head. She figures maybe it's time she spoke to Tsunade about some PTSD medication for her sensei, because it feels he has finally cracked.

But first, a shower and a nice nap.

When she opens the door to her apartment, she is instantly bombarded by a blast of smoke.

"What the-" Her eyes stinging, she flickers on the light switch, and find her entire room in a fog dense enough to cut out with an exacto-knife.

"You have returned, Sakura."

Sakura recognizes the voice, and the silhouette loitering on her bed. And so, she rolls up her sleeve, stomps over, and yells, "NARUTO, what have you done NO-ow?"

She nearly leaps back, when Naruto, clad in only a pair of black jeans, stares back her, eyelids lowered, expression eerily solemn. Tucked between his lips is a pipe, and with a puff, he whispers in a coarse voice, "Wouldn't the better question be what I have not done, and will not do?"

Recovering from her shock, Sakura shakes her head and demands, "Okay, what the hell happened to you, and why the hell are you in my bed!"

Without a single flinch, Naruto gazes up at the ceiling in a dazed contemplation. "What happened, Sakura," he says in a dreary monotone, "is reality unabstracting itself into a absence of time and space, the quintessential of stillness and levity that plagues us all... I cannot pay my bills." He takes another puff.

"What."

"Your second question. I am in your bed, because I cannot pay my bills, and the landlord made me relocate."

"You cannot... _how_? Naruto, you save every penny you have! You cannot possibly-"

"I gave Gama-chan a rightful cremation."

"_You_ _burned your wallet_?" Sakura says in horror, because that wallet has probably been Naruto's most treasured possession since... ever!

"And the money inside. Therefore, I cannot pay my bills. Therefore, I am removed from my apartment. Therefore, I choose to reside in yours." He lays out the line of reasoning her, as if speaking to a toddler.

It only makes Sakura's cranium explode. "Oh my god, okay, that's it. There's something wrong with you. I'm getting Sasuke-"

As if on cue, the door slams wide open. "I'm HE-RE!" sings a voice high enough to shatter nine cups of water, eight window panes, seven pairs of glasses, six murderous icicles, _Five Akasuki Rings_, four pitiful orphans, three Tsukuyomi worlds, two unstable minds, and one lovely heart stabbed on top a pear tree.

"-kun."

Sasuke, or what least some creature that still faintly resembles him, claps his hands together and gasps, "Sakura-chan! You're _back_!" he gushes, seizing her in a suffocating bear hug, one leg popped up. "Oh sugardrops of heaven, had I know you'd be back so soon, I would have baked more cookies!"

Sakura _would_ ask Sasuke why he talks like a little girl from a 40s sitcom, and if is going to start tap-dancing while he is at it, but the mere mental image of that (or just the fact that he is wearing a pink shirt) has just shut off her mind completely in a raging BSOD.

"Oh, Naruto-kun! Now that Sakura-chan has returned, you should at least show some decency! You cannot have your bare chest expose in front of a lady!" Sasuke scolds, skidding over to the bed.

Naruto merely gives a scoff. "Those who impose their customs on dissonance are bound to end in miserable failure."

Sasuke only giggles, and gives Naruto a flirtatious wave. "Oh silly, you're so funny!"

It's a miracle Sakura has not fainted at this point, and when she reboots, she is absolutely, absolutely sure that on her way back home, she accidentally went the wrong way and landed in the _other _village named Konoha with a Mt. Rushmore ripoff, located in the middle of a giant dense forest in the middle of the country of Fire, which also just so happens to have three citizens named Kakashi, Naruto, Sasuke... and also a Hokage named Tsunade.

"Beautiful observation skills, dear," Tsunade praises, smiling motherly, as she straightens the paperwork on her desk place them in her newly-acquired alphabetized cabinets. "Every single person in this village is utterly out of character. And not just any plain old, plain old bad fanfiction writing type of OOC either."

Out of nowhere, Tsunade busts out a mountain-sized vacuum and starts cleaning the equally new antique carpet that fits perfectly into the newly refurbished office, which now looks like it belongs in a old Victorian catalog for cat ladies.

Sakura has to pinch the bridge of her nose. "I'm guessing everyone has adopted the completely opposite personality of who they are."

"Oho, bingo, my genius pupil," Tsunade chuckles, as she wipes the window and carts away her snoring secretary. "As your clever little self has probably seen, Kakashi is now a frenetic burst of energetic youth on a tight schedule, Naruto finds reality, or the lack of, meaningless, insubstantial, and baseless, and Sasuke is the little sweetheart whose traumatic experience has turned him from a grumpy-pants into a shining darling who has learned to love everyone."

"Oh. My. God. And you're sober."

"Oh, how could I even fathom that horrible vice anymore. Ginger cookies?" Tsunade offers a plate of, and when Sakura declines, she merely shrugs and retreats into her armchair, stroking the cat in her lap.

"What caused all this?"

"Well, from the evidence I have gathered-" Tsunade hands Sakura a beautifully embroidered scrapbook and drenched in grandma perfume. "-it's the water in the village. Apparently, Konohamaru brought back a sample of cursed water from the Bayankala mountain hot springs, and contaminated our main drinking water system. I have tried sending for help, but..."

"But what?" Sakura questions.

"I guess I was not very specific... and the help, well, the help kind of drank the water too, deary."

"... Do I even dare asking who the help is."

As if on cue (and this time, it really is on cue), the lights all go out except for a swirling limelight, the sounds of trumpets and applause echo the office, and twenty gallons of glitter drop from the ceilings.

"Good morning, world!" comes the exclamation, as Uchiha Itachi dramatically bursts through the door. "Your beloved _hero_ has arrived!"


	2. Easy, Breezy, Beautiful, Covergirl

O, do prepare for character defilement on the galactic level.

* * *

><p>"Prepare for torment!"<p>

"Make it augment!"

"To leave the world in depredation!"

"To cause much bloody mutilation!"

"To ignite all hatred with evil and fraud!"

"To extend our control to cities abroad!"

"Itachi!"

"Kisame!"

"Team Akatsuki, aiming for the moon and sky!"

"Flee now, or you'll surely die!"

"_Heh heh, Bye Bye_."

As Sakura's eye twitches, she does not know what is more frightful: the talking sword, the 6 foot 5 drag queen in lederhosen and bright blue afro, the sheer incredibility of the existence of an Akatsuki motto, or Itachi, who has fully pimped up his cloak with much furs and glamor.

And his cloak isn't even the only thing shiny.

"Why. The hell. Is his skin. Covered in glitter?" Because Itachi has apparently decided to milk every last drop of his bishonen appearance with much sparkles, and Sakura has not been aware that patting one's pale skin in glitter is a popular trend nowadays.

"Sakura-darling," Itachi scoffs, a hand against his chest as if extremely offended by her comment. "It's not _glitter_, it's bli-_ing_."

The last word rolls off his tongue with a click, and Sakura has to concede that if nothing else, in this short amount of time, he really has done a good job bli-_ing-_ing up _everything_, from his toenails to his fingers, clothes to hair.

Even his _bling_ has bling, as the #1 Hero medal around his neck has been officially decked out with cubic zirconia the size of her fist.

"Please tell me this isn't the help," she begs Tsunade.

To her horror, Tsunade says, "You will be working with Itachi-kun from now on solving this water case."

"But, but he's-" She cannot spit it out.

"The most rich, powerful, sexy man you will ever meet and/or dream of banging? _I know_." (Cue "I'm Sexy and I Know It," and an shameless abuse of his genjutsu powers, as everyone within a mile radius is suddenly hit with mental images of water droplets against his finely toned biceps and abs, because, well, he works out.)

And just when she thinks he can't top it off, he does.

With a bang flip.

A motherflipping _bang flip_... with bishie sparkles _galore_.

"Now don't you pull a Hinata on us, deary," Tsunade says. "You haven't even drank the water."

On wobbling legs, Sakura attempts to pull herself together and find her sanity amidst this insanity. "He's... lost his modesty, hasn't he?" she phrases this very delicately.

"Oh, I can reassure you he is now the most narcissistic, egotistical, and absolutely repugnant douchebag you will ever meet and/or dream of banging," Tsunade smiles pleasantly. "But realize that while the water completely polarized our personalities, it does not affect our memories, skills, nor abilities. That said, do you keep in mind that while his behavior has changed, he is still fundamentally an S-rank nin with an IQ above 180 and can most likely resolve this little situation at the bat of an eyelash."

"At the bat of an _gorgeously _long _perfect_ eyelash," Itachi winks, delicate fingers at his chin as he poses for an imaginary camera. "Want eyelashes anywhere close to mine?" he questions his nonexistent audience. "Well, that will never happen, but you can still try Cover Girl's LashExact Mascara©, no clump, no glob, just beautifully defined lashes, 7.99 while supplies last."

This is followed with instant commercial music and his drag queen of a partner showcasing a table of cosmetics products, pouting fish lips and flipping his afro. In union, they bust out their most dramatic pose in slow-mo, and serenade in a baritone-to-bass, "Easy, breezy, beautiful, _Covergirl_©."

Sakura opens her mouth.

Then closes it.

Then jumps out of the window, sprinting at a speed that breaks the sound barrier.

That's it. 180 IQ or not, she is high tailing the hell out of there before her brain liquidizes to gush and every cell in her body undergoes instantaneous combustion.

"Don't drink the water, deary!" Tsunade calls from the window of her office, giving a toodle-loo good bye with her laced handkerchief.

Oh, Sakura doesn't need to be reminded of _that_, as she wonders 1) how the hell is she going to fix this mess, and 2) where is the nearest convenience store, so she can buy twenty gallons of brain bleach and never, ever, _ever_ recall this scarring experience EVER again. That, or just a plain puke bag.

Unfortunately for Sakura, the convenience store she selected has a certain Miss Dairy Sunshine working there part-time so he may help the poor little orphans (so, you know, they will not be emo and go on unstoppable rampages of revenge and destruction) on top saving abandoned kittens and building up his trust fund for world peace.

Fortunately for Sakura, Sasuke has _just _the product for her troubles. He gives a smile full of rainbows, and unicorns, and everything horrendously diabetic, as he presents her the requested item.

"Oh Sakura-chan, don't get mad, get _GLAD_©!"


	3. Persia Exists

This author honestly doesn't know what crack she's on, but should probably introduce it to the market. Any references belongs to whoever those references belong to.

* * *

><p>After a day of examining the water supply, Sakura has concluded that yes, it's cursed, and no, she is not Mary-Sue enough to randomly pull a counter-curse out of thin air. She is stumped.<p>

Then, a idea hits Sakura like a full speed bullet air train, forget the physics that she'd obviously be flat grotesque roadkill if that really did happen.

If everyone only suffers a personality flop, but retains the same skills set, then there _is _a brilliant someone in this village who may have benefited from the cursed water.

"Shikamaru!" She snaps her fingers, because if he is a lazyass before, he must be the most assiduous, ambitious scientist bent on resolving all of life's dilemma by now.

Unfortunately, plots don't work like that, or else there wouldn't be one.

"NO TOUCHING THE CARPET!"

And Sakura has the rug pulled from under her feet, literally, as Shikamaru, in an apron and hair-net, goes on to viciously scrub the dirt off the carpet.

"What a mannerless child!" he spits when he's done, throwing the scrubber and placing both gloved hands at his waist. "Can't even take off your shoes? This is an imported Persian carpet!"

Sakura blinks. "... Persia exists in our world? And why does a villa of Edo period architecture have a carpet?" She points to the Kōshi latticework, earthwork walls, mushikomado windows, and slants of clay roof tiles that makes up the Nara's house.

"Shh! Don't question the anachronism!" Shikamaru hushes, whacking her head with a feather duster. "All that is important is that we are in a vaguely Japanese world, and thus you must obey Japanese customs. Off with your shoes!"

And suddenly, a flood of Nara tribal clansmen enter in obedience of their queen, all chanting, "Off with her shoes, off with her shoes!" Against Sakura's protests, they have lifted her up and pried her nin sandals off.

"Uh, Shikamaru, the fact that I _didn't_ take off my shoes might mean there's something more _important_ going on, and I need your help _immediately_."

Sakura's response is another whack of the feather duster, the dust this time making her sneeze repeatedly.

"Nothing is more important than social customs!" Shikamaru shrieks in outrage. "I don't care if your elder brother is brutally murdering your own parents inside your house, forever changing the status-quo and the plotline utterly! You do not go in without first _taking off your shoes_! Right, Uchiha?"

"Right, Shikamaru-dono!" Sasuke appears from nowhere, back straight, hand in salute.

"Where did you-" Sakura whips around. "I thought you are working at that convenience store!"

"Oh golly gosh, of course! But I also an the assistant of Shikamaru-dono in her Academy for the Regulation of Good Househusbands! ARGH for short!"

"But- But- if you're there, then how are you-"

"Sakura-chan?"

"Yes?"

Sasuke's face darkens for the flash of a second, and in a sadistic smirk, whispers, "I'm _everywhere_."

Then he's Miss Daisy Sunshine again, as he beams and cheerfully chirps, "Oh, I love how the Bushin no Jutsu allows me to help _everyone_ at once!"

And thus, he has managed to be more frightening than any batshit-insane S-rank international criminal bent on a rampage of revenge and destruction.

"Oh look at the time," Sakura says, looking at her naked wrist. "You're obviously too busy to be helping me, Shikamaru, so I guess I'll just-" She is just about to run the hell out of here, when Shikamaru grabs her collar.

"Hold it!" he barks. "You cannot just come and leave at your own whim! There's tradition!"

Countless slaps her her back, knees, shoulders, and head later, Sakura finds herself in perfectly frigid posture in a five layer kimono, sitting before Sasuke, her house-husband host, who is entertaining her with a cup of tea, as is the primary custom in pseudo-Japan.

"Ah... Sasuke-kun," Sakura says, forcing a smile as she takes a hold of the cup. "I've gotten into a Westernized habit of getting diabetes. Is it okay if I have two sugar cubes in my tea?"

"Of course, Sakura-chan!"

The second he's gone to get the sugar, Sakura hops the fence and runs her life out of the Nara prefecture.

So Itachi is too absorbed in how sexy he is, and Shikamaru is too busy being a headmistress in a military school for househusbands. Well, there goes questionably the two best tacticians in her universe.

_Now_ who can help her?

Her answer comes in the form of trashy pop music booming the Konoha park.

"... I know a place,  
>Where the trees are really taller,<br>Warm, wet n' wild,  
>There must be something in the water..."<p>

And there is an amphitheater, with camera flashes and waves of cheering fans.

"Konoha Girls  
>Are unconquerable<br>Curvy hips  
>Meshes on top<br>Sun-bathed skin  
>So hot<br>We'll burn your battalion  
>Ooh oh ooh!"<p>

Sakura has to drop her jaw when she sees the pop singer sensation is Hinata, dressed possibly the skimpiest warrior outfit MMORPG designers could get away with. She winks and licks very phallic looking candy popsicles, blowing foam into the crowd and doing things could not be described under the T constraint of this fanfiction.

"Hinata, what happened to you!" Sakura demands as soon as the superstar steps off the stage. She is greeted by a million swords jutting in her direction.

At the beckon of a hand, all the guards retreat.

"Sakura," Hinata greets with a smirk, whipping her hair back. "How nice is it to see you... _not_."

And suddenly, a flood of shinobi has seized Sakura's arm. "What- Hinata, who are they?"

"Oh why, my minions. You see, a while ago, Daddy conquered Persia and enslaved their entire race! Aren't they lovely?"

"WHAT! Persia exists?" Sakura shakes her head. Okay, her pores must be drinking the water in the atmosphere or something, because she must resort her priorities. Instead, she asks, "Can you please tell your minions to let go?"

Hinata just laughs and lowers her heavily make-upped eyelids. "Now why would I do that?"

"Why not!"

Hinata simply tsks. "Poor, poor, Sakura-chan, the scrappy character with no bloodline, no talent, repeatedly dragged through the mud with your pathetic crushes and uselessness. Even with one of the most screen times, cannot even reach the top ten in character polls. I'll be blunt, doll, the audience _hates _you."

"Why are you-"

She struts up, lifts Sakura's chin and grins widely. "Meanwhile, guess who is the most favorite female character of the producers and fans? Guess who's got one of the most revered bloodlines? Guess whose parents and relatives actually have a _face_? Guess who saved the titular character more than once? Guess who's a loaded daddy's little girl that can get away with anything? Oh, and guess whose breasts are bigger than yours?"

"You did _not_ just go there."

"Oh yes I did. The fact is, the consensus is in. The fans, the producers, and Kishimoto-kamisama have all agreed _I _am the better heroine. A shithead like you doesn't deserve any more limelight, and sure as hell doesn't deserve_ my man._"

Sakura's eyes widen. "Whoa, whoa there. First, you can have the pot-head. And second, before we get a little hasty," Sakura says, inching away from the kunai Hinata is pressing against her neck, "think about it for a minute. Even if I'm gone, that doesn't make you the heroine. Naruto, Sasuke, and I already have 500+ chapters of history, and the most killing me will do is turn you into a villain."

A sinister grin. "Oh, both of these can be resolved." With a snap of her fingers, some random dispensable OC dashes up. "Is it done?"

The OC bows and presents a packet of manuscripts. "Almost. We have gotten up to chapter 21 of _Team 8_."

Hinata takes the first page and presses it against Sakura's face. "Read it and weep."

"_What if Naruto had been selected for a different team? What if he'd had a different mentor? Who would guess the consequences would be so large? NaruHina. _What! You've just replaced me with you... except a more Mary-Sue version!"

"Exactly_._"

"But that's just fanfiction! That ain't going to change the fact that I'm still the canon heroine."

"Nope... not unless I can make the fanfiction _canon_."

"And how are you-"

"Hinata-sama, your Turn-Fanfiction-Into-Canon deus-ex-machina has been completed. Now we just must wait until the full moon eclipse to activate it, because we must BS some excuse to not use right now, and inevitably bid enough time so it may be destroyed by Sakura, the heroine-"

"I'M THE HEROINE!" Hinata yells, veins bulging from her eyes, seizing the random fodder OC and throwing him across the park. Then, she pulls an ax out of air and starts smashing the Make-Fanfiction-Into-Canon machine into bits, because if there is anyone that is going to destroy it, it's HER, the HEROINE!

Huffing madly, she points the ax to her sudden collection of Persian minions and demands them to build another one. Slowly, her steam evaporates, and her Byakugan deactivates. "Take that bitch away! Like above a lava pit or something!"

Then, she busts out a mirror, and checks her complexion, before her normal lovely self returns. Strutting away, she sings, "Oh Naruto-kun, you soon will be mine, mine, mine... falalala~"

And thus, the minions take Sakura away. "Hey, wait, you can't do this! I'm the _real_ heroine here! You can't just banish me to arbitrary manga panels!"

"Oh shut up, at least you have a face."

"Wait... _dad_? You're _Persian_?"


End file.
